“Inviting In” Rather Than “Coming Out”

Kadeem Gill, Executive Director, Rocketship Wisconsin

I often get asked about my ‘coming out’ story, especially during Pride Month. But instead of “coming out,” I prefer to use the term “inviting in.” “Coming out” can stigmatize the process of revealing your sexual orientation, whereas “inviting in” is about choosing when to bring friends and family into a more vulnerable space. I invited my loved ones in during my early twenties.

Inviting my loved ones in made a profound impact on my life – I had spent 23 years feeling like a fraud, unlovable, and broken. That same year, Frank Ocean, an R&B artist, wrote a “coming-out letter” and it truly changed my entire perspective. He described sexuality in a way that made me feel understood and unashamed. It was the first time I had heard someone describe the full nuance and spectrum of sexuality and sexual orientation in a way that made me finally not feel guilty for holding onto this secret for so long. Within his letter, he beautifully paints the message “I don’t really know what the labels are, but I want to talk about it.” He grounded it more in the experience of his relationship with another person. When we ground sexual orientation in the bigger theme of love and connection, it really de-stigmatizes what it means to be gay or a member of the LGBTQ community.

After inviting my loved ones in, it took a lot to build myself back up. It was almost a rebirth. There were so many things I was now redefining for myself. What type of clothes do I really like? What are the colors that I want to represent or that I like? For so long, I told everyone my favorite color was blue, but my favorite color was secretly purple – I just never felt comfortable naming that.

Pride Month creates a space of safety, security, validation, and fellowship, allowing us to celebrate the brilliance, creativity, and strength within our community. It’s easy to associate the LGBTQ+ community with resilience and disenfranchisement, but it’s equally important to celebrate the wonderful power that comes from being true to yourself and your identity, the wonderful power that comes from being proud.

Yes, being openly gay can be heavy at times, but I also see it as a gift, almost like a superpower, because it helps me find common ground easily. For years, I was conditioned to fit in by identifying similarities with others. Now it’s second nature to find common ground with anyone I meet. This is especially true for me as a gay, Black, Puerto Rican – I have many intersecting identities to find common ground in. My intersectional identities have, instead of hindering me, offered me more opportunities to have a larger array of tools to connect with others.

My hope is that someday we have a world where no one feels they have to “come out,” where there is no inherent assumption of heteronormativity and we can truly be ourselves. Success for me has always been self-determination, and living a choice-filled life. That is not only about what school you go to and what job you have but also who you love, who you consider your community, and who you hang out with. My long-term vision is a world where children can have that breadth of choice. I want children to be themselves without stigma, having a range of options that reflect their true identities. Ultimately, it’s about self-determination, choice, and worthiness. That sense of worthiness is so important to create a sense of confidence and to be able to navigate the world as if you belong there. I hope every child can navigate the world with confidence and a sense of belonging, knowing they are valued for who they are. My hope is that this is true for all children, all people, everywhere.

RTP

Published on June 25, 2024